I'ma give you genin level on this one. I like how you managed to bring forth quite some text, as I like to read. Also, you appear to be pretty much aware of the basic rules of roleplaying. I have to say, especially, your grammar needs some work here and there. Maby throw in a little more senseless, semi-impressive detail at some points, and I think you got all it takes to get that sample to a whole new level. If you feel like having it, we may be able to give you guidance and pin out the weak spots. Just give any admin or moderator a call if you do.
Anyway:
Genin